I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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