I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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