You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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