Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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