I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
