Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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