I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
