I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
