I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.