Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
