Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
