He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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