she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
