My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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