Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
