jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
