Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
