I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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