as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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