see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
FUCK WHALES
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
