if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
