Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
MIDGETS
????
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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