I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
