Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
