You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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