you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
