I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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