Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
