Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
