I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
