Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
