Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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