I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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