atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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