Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
