just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
