What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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