He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
