Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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