And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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