I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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