Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
