Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
