He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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