Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
