Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
