I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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