it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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