you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
