She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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