I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We are two peas in an std pod
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I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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