Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
