I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
