I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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