I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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