can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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