I can't breathe out the right side of my face
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
