Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have aggressive nipples.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
